pride is an asshole

*this post will have an embarrassing amount of "probably's" and "I's". My apologies for the passive aggressive narcissism, my dear friends. =)

I feel like this entire post is going to make me sound like someone I am not. But then again a lot of things I have been saying (maybe out loud, maybe in my head - who knows) doesn't sound like me. Or who I perceive myself to be. Or how I think I am perceived. (I was totally infatuated with Symbolic Interactionism but specifically The Looking Glass Self in college.)

I have come to the soft conclusion that I have slowly built myself to need nothing.

This may have started sometime in middle school when I decided I didn't *need* to speak up all the time. I could still hold convictions and opinions and whatever else you feel at 14 and just basically not say them. I think that was the start especially since the summer after I stopped speaking up like 3 boys professed their love for me. I came off shy and coy when really I was just trying to shut up. (That lasted long LOL) This subconsciously probably gave me positive reinforcement.

*M getting sick when I was eighteen probably had a lot to do with it also. That was the summer I was going to college and quickly turned from a codependent wide-eyed girl to someone completely alone and without parents at one of the most crucial times. This was the time I was waiting for my entire life and instead of enjoying it - I had to teach myself how to live a completely different way. This time it was not a choice to stop needing - it was forced.

My brother got sick again 7 years lately and subsequently died. All throughout the time he was dying right in front of me, the funeral time, and the months after his death I have managed without a significant other. I have not had that one person you generally go to when you are in pain. I have been through the kind of hell most people will thankfully never encounter and I did it all on my own. I relied on no one but myself.

My friends are all leaving to start their lives elsewhere. I feel slightly numb to it because I know I will learn to not need them either. It is apparently my first reaction after so many years of slowly eliminating that instinct.

I feel like pride has a lot to do with it in the end. If I have been able to practically extinguish vulnerability in my life - why let down guards for new boys, new friends, my family - when in the end I'll just start needing them and consequently something will occur that I'll have to rearrange my head again? It would be MY fault for allowing that to happen instead of having it happen to me like it has for so many years. I'm strong enough by myself, anyway.

And then...there is that small voice in the back of my mind that repeats that stupid cliche:

God gives you what you need not what you want blah blah.

So if I continue needing nothing...will I get nothing? Because that, my friends, would suck.

Summer of No Pants

Let me start off by saying that I love a good challenge.

My favorite thing to do is to take a change of clothes with me after work and completely change into said outfit while driving my car to a destination.

There is no reason why I can't change my clothes at work or wherever I am going. None whatsoever. I just find that I get a lot of satisfaction from being able to physically drive my car the entire way and not get pulled over or smash into a vehicle while taking my dress off in my Honda going 45 down a city street.

When I type it out it sounds pretty voyeuristic and weird, but whatever. Have you seen Strange Sex on TLC? I'm like a 3 on the weird factor compared to these looners. (And there is actually an episode ON "looners" who are sexytime lovers of balloons.) Oh yeah, I'm a 3 or less.

Just to clarify, I am not interested in anyone catching me doing this - it's just that I CAN do it. I would probably find the same satisfaction in changing my sheets blindfolded or eating soup with a fork victoriously. I'm just easily personally provoked by my "you totally can't do that..." voice.

So since I love a good personal challenge, I have proclaimed this the Summer of No Pants. I think I was egged on when I heard some quote about girls not wearing pants anymore. Like yeah, I'm generally a girly girl but I'll wear jeans on the weekend and trousers to work on occasion. But when I heard some guy talking about how girls don't wear pants...I had to spend a summer trying to prove him right.

I have made it a point to only wear skirts, dresses and leggings/yoga attire from June through September. There have been some bumps in the road - that entire two week fashion disaster called Israel and today I wore jeans to the aquarium because it's "that time" and I felt like this hippo:



But other than that - no pants. I thought I would be annoyed by having to pass over the pants selection in my closet but instead I am simply delighted to be 100% dressed up or in leggings like I'm Lindsay Lohan pre-jail. My Mom *likes* my facebook status whenever I talk about the Summer of No Pants. I think she's delighted with my motivation. I also think she hopes this gets me laid. Either way, I'm glad to have her support.

And you know, just for good measure - I'm losing 20 pounds if the Mets make it to the World Series and 25 if they win it. So God, if you're interested in me with a hot bod - I suggest you help along my sucky ass baseball team and provoke my *DARE ME* attitude. JUST SAYING.