*this post will have an embarrassing amount of "probably's" and "I's". My apologies for the passive aggressive narcissism, my dear friends. =)
I have come to the soft conclusion that I have slowly built myself to need nothing.
This may have started sometime in middle school when I decided I didn't *need* to speak up all the time. I could still hold convictions and opinions and whatever else you feel at 14 and just basically not say them. I think that was the start especially since the summer after I stopped speaking up like 3 boys professed their love for me. I came off shy and coy when really I was just trying to shut up. (That lasted long LOL) This subconsciously probably gave me positive reinforcement.
*M getting sick when I was eighteen probably had a lot to do with it also. That was the summer I was going to college and quickly turned from a codependent wide-eyed girl to someone completely alone and without parents at one of the most crucial times. This was the time I was waiting for my entire life and instead of enjoying it - I had to teach myself how to live a completely different way. This time it was not a choice to stop needing - it was forced.
My brother got sick again 7 years lately and subsequently died. All throughout the time he was dying right in front of me, the funeral time, and the months after his death I have managed without a significant other. I have not had that one person you generally go to when you are in pain. I have been through the kind of hell most people will thankfully never encounter and I did it all on my own. I relied on no one but myself.
My friends are all leaving to start their lives elsewhere. I feel slightly numb to it because I know I will learn to not need them either. It is apparently my first reaction after so many years of slowly eliminating that instinct.
I feel like pride has a lot to do with it in the end. If I have been able to practically extinguish vulnerability in my life - why let down guards for new boys, new friends, my family - when in the end I'll just start needing them and consequently something will occur that I'll have to rearrange my head again? It would be MY fault for allowing that to happen instead of having it happen to me like it has for so many years. I'm strong enough by myself, anyway.
And then...there is that small voice in the back of my mind that repeats that stupid cliche:
God gives you what you need not what you want blah blah.
So if I continue needing nothing...will I get nothing? Because that, my friends, would suck.
I know exactly what you mean. Maybe not exactly from the same place that you're coming from. But I get it. I lost 3 grandparents in 18 months. Not the same. But I remember having similar thoughts. Though the voice in the back of my head whispers how badly I want someone to run to, I tend to stuff a sock in its mouth. :-/
ReplyDeleteI am, obviously, catching up on your blog. I love and adore you. I wish you were in my life every day, and I think it's awful that you're not.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, when something awful happens to you, you always go through it alone. When my grandfather died (my father is a better term), it was the most devastating thing to ever happen to me. And I had a significant other and close family members. But I was ALONE. Because, ultimately, we are all alone inside of ourselves. I find that I don't need people anymore either. But you know what that is? That's me losing my father, you losing your brother, and both of us going, "Fuck this. I'll never need or love anyone again." And you know what? I kind of like it better. Keeping people at a safe distance means it won't hurt if they die. It is NOT better to have loved and lost! It is better to not love and then not care if you lost. Dammit.
I love you. Which pisses me off. =)