Sometimes bloggers plan out what they are going to write first and then edit and reedit and then think of more witty, profound things to say once they've slept on it. I'm not one of those bloggers so I apologize.
My little brother passed away last week of cancer. The sadness is deeper than any surface pain or heartbreak. It's the kind of sadness that rattles your bones and lives in your eyes. I don't recognize myself when I look in the mirror right now. Maybe it's because I haven't put much makeup on in weeks but I know that's not the case.
My parents sheer devastation and confusion is tangible. From their tears down to the sweatpants I haven't seen on my father since '89. It is almost as if I have lost my brother and my parents all at once.
I am the strong one. For whatever reason I never thought I'd be the one to be able to hold back tears or put on a happy face. I mean, I'm the girl who cries at Armageddon every. single. time. But somehow I am able to hold it together and fall apart on my own. I much prefer it that way. Vulnerability never really suited me.
The outpouring of support and love my brother, myself and my family have received is monumental. You forget good things and good people exist when a disease eats away at your family.
I'm sure I'll be talking about this for a long time to come but hopefully it will be filled with undercurrents of positivity. The show must go on.
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love you rachelface.
ReplyDeleteI love you more than words can say.
ReplyDeletei sobbed for you guys last night. i can't imagine what your whole family is going through.i'm praying for you and your family's peace.xoxo
ReplyDeleteSending so much love your way, honey.
ReplyDelete*squeezes you tight*
Oh, Rach, I had NO IDEA! You are a strong woman, but it's okay to have weak moments. Sometimes you need them. DO NOT APOLOGIZE for who you are. You are amazing.
ReplyDeleteMy sympathies to you and your parents. I can't even imagine. Remember the good times. It will help. Matty will live on in your hearts.
I luff you!
I'm so sorry. :(
ReplyDeleteDidn't know you like to write, too! I usually blog on FB, but of course with everything going on right now, I haven't spent my energy on it. I need to expell my feelings on here...because we all know keeping it inside isn't good. I found it the hardest to tell my brother, Dan. When Matt died, not only did I lose a brother or my best friend, but I felt like I lost a piece of my heart. It's brought me closer to my own brother & realized you have to live everyday like it's your last.
ReplyDeleteMuch love,
Ciara