Dear M,

It's very hard for me to comprehend that you are dead. You are not just "not here" you are really gone from this earth. You are not existing somewhere doing something. You are dead.

It feels so surreal when I allow myself to really think about it. One second you were my brother and the next second you are nothing. I don't know how to explain it eloquently. You were the largest extension of me. My facial expressions and sense of humor and lack of convention. It's like I lost a big mirror and I don't know where to look to see myself clearly.

People who meet me in the future will not know you. You will not have a future. You will never get to have kids or fall in love or buy your first house.

Who is going to dance with me at weddings? Buy me the perfect present? Tell me which dress to wear?

And I have no one who cares what I think anymore. Who trusted me to do those things with/for them and to always give them an honest answer.

I am alone in a way no one can comprehend. Friends can always leave. Parents have each other. You were supposed to always be here. We were supposed to keep each other safe from the opposite team and always fight for fun together.

You were the life to my party.

Love,
Your Rachies

geography 101

I do not know how I got through school/life not knowing the things I don't know. Like, honestly. I graduated with honors in high school and cum laude in college and yet CANNOT TELL YOU ON WHAT CONTINENT EGYPT LIES.

I do not believe I have ever, not once, taken a geography class. I blame the south on their poor educational system and also my charm and ability to dodge responsibility.

I am going on a trip to the Middle East in a little over a month and I am pretty stoked. Mostly, I am excited to sweatily blog about it and share with you whatever self awakening and inspiration finds me. I am going to go in search of nothing and no one and with no expectations. Hopefully this means I'll come home with something and someone and completely renewed. Which defeats the whole purpose of no expectations anyway. But I never learned how not to have expectations! Damn you Guilford County Schools!

All joking aside, I never planned to do this trip nor have I ever had any interest in traveling anywhere that didn't have a five-star hotel and a rocking shopping area. But I surprised myself one morning and woke up knowing I had to go on this trip. I don't have any answers as to why other than I felt compelled to do things outside my comfort zone that might even cause me some anxiety. What's the worse that can happen? I die? And since my little brother already did that I'm pretty sure God doesn't suck that bad.

I bought my first pair of shorts in probably ten years today in preparation of my departure. I am even debating purchasing those little cotton numbers in a million colors that we wore in high school and rolled down super short to look like hussies.



But THIS time since I am going to be in a possible sensitive area of the world, I won't roll em' down like a slut. Just in case you were wondering.

I digress. I hope to find that there are other pieces of me in the world. I've been out of the country countless times but only in search of a good vacation instead of a meaningful journey. I hope this means my eyes and my heart can stay open with only the intent of knowledge and insight. And hopefully in finding other pieces of me in the world, I can heal the pieces of me that have been with me always.

exploding ovaries

Oprah said something cool the other day on one of her shows (I don't make it a habit to watch Oprah or anything but whatever, don't judge me.)

She said something along the lines of:

"People spend so much time trying to live the life they planned for instead of the life they actually have."

First thought: Easy for you to say, bitch.

And secondly, I thought about how true that statement was for myself especially.

I want to get married and have kids and take the dog jogging with me every morning. Presently, this is not the life I am living. I am not in a serious relationship, my ovaries probably exploded and I'd kill a dog because I work 8 hour days. So tell me, Oprah, do I just work really hard at a career and forget that these are the things I want? Do I plan a life around what I have because the things I want are not my *present*? Clue me in because I understand but can't comprehend how living the life you have gets you what you want.

At 25 I am in the middle of absolutely EVERYTHING. I am sort of a kid but sort of an adult. I'm not thaaaaat old but I'm still not thaaaaat young. When can "living the life you have" become "whoops, you didn't try hard enough!"

So many fine lines. So many cliches. I don't know which one to pick. I just know Oprah is a bazillionaire and I ate crackers for dinner.