Dear M,

It's very hard for me to comprehend that you are dead. You are not just "not here" you are really gone from this earth. You are not existing somewhere doing something. You are dead.

It feels so surreal when I allow myself to really think about it. One second you were my brother and the next second you are nothing. I don't know how to explain it eloquently. You were the largest extension of me. My facial expressions and sense of humor and lack of convention. It's like I lost a big mirror and I don't know where to look to see myself clearly.

People who meet me in the future will not know you. You will not have a future. You will never get to have kids or fall in love or buy your first house.

Who is going to dance with me at weddings? Buy me the perfect present? Tell me which dress to wear?

And I have no one who cares what I think anymore. Who trusted me to do those things with/for them and to always give them an honest answer.

I am alone in a way no one can comprehend. Friends can always leave. Parents have each other. You were supposed to always be here. We were supposed to keep each other safe from the opposite team and always fight for fun together.

You were the life to my party.

Love,
Your Rachies