So yeah, I've been 25 for a few days now. It was a whirlwind weekend with some of the best people I will ever know. Thank you for those of you who made an effort to make me feel loved. Because of you I didn't think about throwing myself off a bridge even once. Instead I drank heavily, cuddled and reminisced. Much better option and probably less messy.
I had to go to the godforsaken phone store for my THIRD phone in two weeks. Since when is it ok to sell phones that are defective over and over again? I'm a pretty calm girl (contrary to the rantings of my blog ha) and when the man behind the counter started with "the phone's price went up" I didn't even let him finish before a huge "I DON'T CARE" came belching out of my mouth. I believe the look in my eye told him I was not the white girl to mess with tonight. Do you possibly hit a certain age where you lose a little bit of your filter and become positively impatient with everything? Maybe it's just that I don't have the patience for slow moving ineptitude. Like if you're going to be inept then please do it faster. Please? I don't know how I lived in the south for as long as I did -maybe that's where I learned to drive like a maniac?
I thought I should note that I listed to an Avril Lavigne song last night and instead of switching the channel....I TURNED THAT SHIT UP. /lame
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Friday, February 19, 2010
we were trying to find a place in the sun
So in the last hour of my 24ness I have done something totally out of character and decided to watch myself on a DVD, listen to an album that completely entangled my entire childhood in a web of a golden secret and spit me out into this adult who mourns the girl on the television. She knew what she wanted and went out and got it - even if it was just a silly band and a silly dream. She really believed in the words and she believed in the relationships that cultivated out of it all. The bottom line was that there was something to believe in that made the next day worth living because there was always a new show or album. And it sufficed for all those years. It shaped everything about me and in this next stage of life I have had to relearn all of my coping mechanisms, how to deal with people and what to expect in a day. This sounds silly to most people because they didn't live in the specific subculture I did. I don't expect you to understand.
Whatever the reason was that I watched that DVD and went back to that place - it made me realize that I have relearned all those things. Finally. Granted, I still will randomly panic when someone posts about tour dates because I forget I don't have to buy them. It's funny actually. But all in all I have become an actual human who lives in reality. With the rest of you. And I think for a long time I was a little bit mad at myself for giving that girl up because she really was fun. And it's been a couple of years since I've really been that girl and it's been long enough where I can honestly say I'm ready to let go of that reckless, beautiful time and start a whole new time. I don't have to forget her. She can come with me.
It's time now to find something in the real world to be passionate about and to give my all to. Something I can quantify. I'm ready. Bring it on. Congratulations, you're 25. Shit.
Whatever the reason was that I watched that DVD and went back to that place - it made me realize that I have relearned all those things. Finally. Granted, I still will randomly panic when someone posts about tour dates because I forget I don't have to buy them. It's funny actually. But all in all I have become an actual human who lives in reality. With the rest of you. And I think for a long time I was a little bit mad at myself for giving that girl up because she really was fun. And it's been a couple of years since I've really been that girl and it's been long enough where I can honestly say I'm ready to let go of that reckless, beautiful time and start a whole new time. I don't have to forget her. She can come with me.
It's time now to find something in the real world to be passionate about and to give my all to. Something I can quantify. I'm ready. Bring it on. Congratulations, you're 25. Shit.
Friday, February 12, 2010
Huge Downer Post #1
I haven't felt this down in quite awhile. I'm 99% sure it's PMS since I ate an entire bag of Moose Munch but you never know with me. I eat whipped cream for dinner 3 days a week.
I've never dealt well with stress and this week, month, LIFE has been pretty stressful. I have a seriously sick brother, a family struggling with a recession, friends who either don't find me important enough or won't say things to my face, I lack the 'healthy relationship' gene and have zero direction. Somehow with all this I know I am pretty well adjusted. Somehow with all this I know I am still a sunny, fun, confident girl. But it doesn't make anything change. It never has.
I've tried different ways of thinking. Of just believing life happens the way it's supposed to. Being completely proactive in making things happen. Having a positive attitude in all situations. Just being.
All of these different mottos and slogans never produced results. I have moved nowhere. And if there has been any movement it's been laterally. Who wants to live their lives moving to the next mundane situation with themselves?
This will get better or I'll make it better. That's a goddamned threat.
I've never dealt well with stress and this week, month, LIFE has been pretty stressful. I have a seriously sick brother, a family struggling with a recession, friends who either don't find me important enough or won't say things to my face, I lack the 'healthy relationship' gene and have zero direction. Somehow with all this I know I am pretty well adjusted. Somehow with all this I know I am still a sunny, fun, confident girl. But it doesn't make anything change. It never has.
I've tried different ways of thinking. Of just believing life happens the way it's supposed to. Being completely proactive in making things happen. Having a positive attitude in all situations. Just being.
All of these different mottos and slogans never produced results. I have moved nowhere. And if there has been any movement it's been laterally. Who wants to live their lives moving to the next mundane situation with themselves?
This will get better or I'll make it better. That's a goddamned threat.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
death, snow and michael jackson
Watching the news EVER is grounds for tequila shots and a few tears but watching the news when you're on the verge of a breakdown and it's a recession is just downright brutal. I don't even know how the news is in business anymore. Like really. Because according to the news everyone is dead....just saying.
Apparently 10% of this country is unemployed, the weather is stopping people from shopping/vacationing/eating and something about Michael Jackson has put our entire economy on hold and we're all spiraling into destitution. Awesome.
Where does that leave me and aren't I a little justified for being mad that this is the generation I have to live in instead of the free lovin' 70's or even the June Cleaver 50's? Aren't I justified in stomping my foot? Weren't we promised more from our teachers and parents and all those commercials swearing if we followed a certain path of education and good morals we'd be making dolla dolla bills and be happily paying off our mortgages with our hot partners? (No one promised my partner would be hot but come on, I have a pretty big rack.)
Really, all I am saying is that I feel like I have claim to whine and demand a few answers. Everyone was always so quick to give their opinions and judgements back when I had more choices but now that I'm stuck in a crummy situation everyone has relieved themselves of their Holier Than Thou duties. Why? BECAUSE THEY WERE WRONG ALL ALONG.
I feel like I got gypped by wasting four years of my life learning a job trade that wound up being nothing I could personally translate into a profession because our economy failed. I am aware a lot of other people are in my same boat and I shouldn't complain. But why not complain? I had to listen to all you idiots telling me what to do with my life up until this point so this time I'm not. I'm going to complain. And I'm going to continue complaining until I figure something out. MYSELF. Or give up. Either way.
I know I have no one to blame. I'm actually pretty aware that there is no one to ever blame but myself for anything but that still doesn't alleviate this constant pressure to be happy with what I am doing or what I have because there's nothing else out there. Because my only other options are death and hunger and Michael Jackson. Or was it Bruce Springsteen? I don't even know.
Apparently 10% of this country is unemployed, the weather is stopping people from shopping/vacationing/eating and something about Michael Jackson has put our entire economy on hold and we're all spiraling into destitution. Awesome.
Where does that leave me and aren't I a little justified for being mad that this is the generation I have to live in instead of the free lovin' 70's or even the June Cleaver 50's? Aren't I justified in stomping my foot? Weren't we promised more from our teachers and parents and all those commercials swearing if we followed a certain path of education and good morals we'd be making dolla dolla bills and be happily paying off our mortgages with our hot partners? (No one promised my partner would be hot but come on, I have a pretty big rack.)
Really, all I am saying is that I feel like I have claim to whine and demand a few answers. Everyone was always so quick to give their opinions and judgements back when I had more choices but now that I'm stuck in a crummy situation everyone has relieved themselves of their Holier Than Thou duties. Why? BECAUSE THEY WERE WRONG ALL ALONG.
I feel like I got gypped by wasting four years of my life learning a job trade that wound up being nothing I could personally translate into a profession because our economy failed. I am aware a lot of other people are in my same boat and I shouldn't complain. But why not complain? I had to listen to all you idiots telling me what to do with my life up until this point so this time I'm not. I'm going to complain. And I'm going to continue complaining until I figure something out. MYSELF. Or give up. Either way.
I know I have no one to blame. I'm actually pretty aware that there is no one to ever blame but myself for anything but that still doesn't alleviate this constant pressure to be happy with what I am doing or what I have because there's nothing else out there. Because my only other options are death and hunger and Michael Jackson. Or was it Bruce Springsteen? I don't even know.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
at least I'm still 24?
I’m going to be 25.
I keep telling myself this is ok. That all those things I thought I was going to be by now are on their way. That I’m not a failure. That I don’t suck. And that God doesn’t hate me.
Is any of this true? In my panicked state – NO IT’S NOT!
25? Fuck you 25! With your lowered auto insurance rates and new age bracket on surveys! What does 25 mean that the first four years of my 20’s didn’t? Why was I able to screw around and not make any plans and be on no path before RIGHT THIS VERY SECOND? Now I am an “adult” and am being yelled at for not adding to my 401K. I want to add to my SHUT THE HELL UP FUND is what I want to do.
No I don’t seemingly have the greatest job. No I do not have a significant other. And no I still do not want to stop calling her “Mommy.” But I do a damned good job at faking it, don't I?!
Who is to say that everything wonderful and fantastic won’t happen this year? Who is to say that maybe I’ll stop being *cute* and start being *serious* or stop spending my money on handbags and start buying Hummels or whatever old people buy? NO ONE.
I've done so much with these 25 years that sometimes it's hard to believe. And somehow it has added up to me being here and having nothing I expected to have and being no one I expected to be. So far.
In the middle of realizing how fun and exciting and UNIQUE the kind of life I was allowed to lead was - I just started expecting that at the end of it all I'd have all the things that money and passion can't buy. Like JLo's butt. (jkjk)
I guess that's not how it was supposed to go. Yet.
Let's see what happens, eh?
...and if I find a grey hair I’m sending you all to hell with me.
I keep telling myself this is ok. That all those things I thought I was going to be by now are on their way. That I’m not a failure. That I don’t suck. And that God doesn’t hate me.
Is any of this true? In my panicked state – NO IT’S NOT!
25? Fuck you 25! With your lowered auto insurance rates and new age bracket on surveys! What does 25 mean that the first four years of my 20’s didn’t? Why was I able to screw around and not make any plans and be on no path before RIGHT THIS VERY SECOND? Now I am an “adult” and am being yelled at for not adding to my 401K. I want to add to my SHUT THE HELL UP FUND is what I want to do.
No I don’t seemingly have the greatest job. No I do not have a significant other. And no I still do not want to stop calling her “Mommy.” But I do a damned good job at faking it, don't I?!
Who is to say that everything wonderful and fantastic won’t happen this year? Who is to say that maybe I’ll stop being *cute* and start being *serious* or stop spending my money on handbags and start buying Hummels or whatever old people buy? NO ONE.
I've done so much with these 25 years that sometimes it's hard to believe. And somehow it has added up to me being here and having nothing I expected to have and being no one I expected to be. So far.
In the middle of realizing how fun and exciting and UNIQUE the kind of life I was allowed to lead was - I just started expecting that at the end of it all I'd have all the things that money and passion can't buy. Like JLo's butt. (jkjk)
I guess that's not how it was supposed to go. Yet.
Let's see what happens, eh?
...and if I find a grey hair I’m sending you all to hell with me.
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